In 2005, I dreamed of being in love, with a well paying career that made me jump out of the bed every Monday morning. I created a vivid picture of what my life should be based on society’s defintions and the lives of people around me. In order to keep up appearances (and with the Jones’) I put my heart on the line, worked hell of crazy hours, gave second chances to a man that didn’t deserve it, and totally put my self last in order to win what I thought would be the love and life of my dreams. Well, once I realized that things were not going to quite work out that way, I began to fall apart. I cried, gained a ton of weight, isolated myself and questioned everything that I was doing and wondered why was I doing them??!! I began to take inventory of the people and relationships I had in my life. I started to question, “What am I getting out of this person or relationship?” “Has this relationship been the same since it started? “Has it evolved into anything else other than what it has been for years?” Now, for some they can appreciate a good ole’ safe and traditional friendship and/or relationship, where the person has been the same for years on years and they are grounded in routine. Once I started closing doors so new ones can open, I stopped settlng for the same ol’ conversations, relationships that were meant to be seasonal, and a unrewarding job, etc.), I began to re-evaluate the purpsoe of everyone around me and if they would feed or support my very own growth. I started to read alot more about self discovery, self awarness, and just took a big dive into finding out who I was this year. It took alot of sacrifice, and it turned a few of my friends off. Be prepared for them to not call or text as much, during this journey. Some may take it personally and may not admit to it. Others will not understand just what the hell you are doing and why… But KEEP GOING. One day it will all make sense.
Now, this finding yourself thing is daunting! I mean really! It is not for the faint of heart. There are levels to the challenging, yet rewarding discovery of yourself. This year has been all about exploration, researching, and taking small steps to see what I am capable of. I have always watered down the bold voice in me to make others feel safe and comfortable. Maybe it was due to my fear of not knowing where things would lead to or maybe I am somewhat afraid of showing the REAL ME to folks who have known me for over fifteen and twenty years… (That actually scares me a bit). I LEGIT have a fear of telling some of my friends, you bore me …LMAO (ok that may sound too harsh, but hopefully you get what I am saying.) anywho… back to the post. The Robot Rebel is my vision to share my story, and encourage women who struggle with letting go of poor relationships, treatment, and robotic mindsets. Women do it so well! We pretend to be who we are not and protect our true vulnerable spots. For many reasons, in which we can dive into later. So when you do decide to close doors and open new ones, don’t be afraid of the number of emotions that may become exposed. Don’t be afraid of what THEY will say, or what THEY will think. Don’t be afraid to say NO to the things that have become too redundant or ROBOTIC. Don’t be afraid to dive into the unknown or to even invest in yourself. It it is not always easy to choose yourself, but just remember some doors have to close, before new doors can open.