So here I was, sitting in the car, thinking about what was happening. Why was he so upset with the person on the phone? Who was the person on the phone? After several minutes had passed, he finally re-entered the car and looked at me and said, “Why you making that face?” I replied and asked, “Who was that on the phone?” he said, “It’s nobody, and it’s not important for you to know.” Now, today I know that “nobody” has a name. “Nobody” is the person that comes into the picture and what was meant to be a table for two, turns into a bed of three, just saying. So back to the story… he parks the car five blocks away from his actual apartment. I get out of the car and he says, “Go ahead and go in, I’ll be right back.” I stood outside the closed passenger door, and watched him peel out of the parking lot. The one thing he didn’t realize, was there was another car parked, with the engine still running and headlights beaming. Before I could make it up the stairs, a young woman jumps out the car and says, “Who are you?” I reply and ask “Who are you?”: She then shouts, “My name is so and so, I’m fucking yo’man and having his baby.” LITERALLY DIED ON THE FRONT PORCH.
I watched her, strut back into the car, and pull off. There it was. The secret. The truth. The ugly, awful fucking truth. I was stunned. I became frozen and immediately my heart began to shut down and my mind heated up. I went into full-on Olivia Pope fix-it mode. I managed to go to the funeral in full-on ROBOT mode (you do remember that was the entire reason for this trip down to my old college town.). I swallowed my pain, put on my make-up, and got dressed in all white. I walked into the church surrounded by over one hundred plus sorority sisters. I didn’t say a WORD. I did not mention what happened the night before at my boyfriend’s place. I just smiled, pretended, and hid my current situation of humiliation. I went back to my boyfriend’s place and decided to stay there for the rest of the week. I called out from work every day, because I was so hell bent on fixing all of it. I sat with him and asked him how he felt, what was going through his head, and what could I do to help him get through this. Yep, full on ROBOT. I got comfortable in my new role of ROBOT and made the decision to stay and ignore my needs and self-respect. You see, I had convinced myself, if I showed him how much I loved and supported him, he would do the same. I assumed he would appreciate my loyalty and place me on the highest pedal stool possible. Boy was I fucking WRONG! That relationship lasted for five years. After five years, he dumped me, changed careers, and moved on.
You are probably thinking, GOOD F*ING RIDDENS. But here’s the GAG… I continued to date my Ex, for eight years. I kept choosing him over me. I kept entertaining the hope, the potential, and the thought that he would see me for who I was. A loyal, kind, and giving person. I continued to support and love him. I continued on and silenced what I truly desired. I desired to have his commitment and for us to get back together. You see,the reason why my ROBOTISM took over, is because I denied I existed. I had become so afraid of letting go of what I thought I wanted, that I convinced myself, that this is what love is. This is what it means to “fight for love” and stick through the thick of it all. This is what I coined as straight up BOT BEHAVIOR. Bot behavior is defined as a woman (or man) who is pretending to be happy with every aspect of her life, and is reading from a script of what she thinks everyone wants to hear. Disonnected from reality and her own feelings and voice.
My question to you is, “What areas of life are you struggling with letting go of?” “Have you struggled with letting go or accepting things as they are?” I feel there is a silent epidemic plaguing women, who are afraid to give up on relationships that were meant to serve a season. Some of these women are so crippled with fear, they continue to make excuses for keeping the bad in their lives. What will be your moment, you decide to REBEL against being perfect, or being in denial? The REBEL-ution in your life, is when you let go of the life you think you want and embrace the life you know you were destined to live. My heart is so full, and even with all that I have experienced, while dating my Ex, sleeping with him, watching him date other women, allowing him to tell me white women are “easier” to deal with, picking him up when he was down, I mean so many things I don’t hate him. It’s not about man bashing. I accept full responsibility for the role I played in my own heartbreak. I needed every moment. I would not have known my worth. I would not have known that I actually don’t have to settle for anyone or anything that doesn’t honor me. I changed my life this year, and my heart could not be any more FULLER, BIGGER, and BRIGHTER! You see the crack in my heart, wasn’t breaking it was falling into place. To tell you the truth, my ex turned out to be my blessing in disguise. Even though I don’t hate him nor am I bitter, I don’t want to not say that I didn’t go through those phases. I did. Letting go is like a death, and there are many steps to get to the lesson of self. To be honest with you, I actually talked with him recently, and shared a few truths. It was me who chose to stay put in my nice little comfort zone, and allow his behavior towards me a QUEEN, to be acceptable. This long part of my life finally allowed me to address the real issue. The real issue was I needed my father. I realized that I made every relationship with a guy go so long, because I couldn’t bear watching one walk out the way my father did. For the first time, I began to heal my daddy wounds and I forgave my father. Today I am a free woman, purposed to help women who struggle with letting go of poor relationships, treatment, and robotic mindsets. I look forward to continue to uncover all the ways in which we as women LIMIT ourselves with ROBOTIC behaviors, relationships, conversations, and just life in general. It’s time to go from desire to DESTINED. With a loud, fearless, and fully charged heart I say …Hello REBEL. Goodbye ROBOT.